Until we Bleed
by MissMisanthrop
Summary: Oneshot, SongFic, DarkFic, Yaoi, RinxHaru Rinharu I'm Naked, I'm Numb, I'm Stupid, I'm Staying. I don't even know why I'm here anymore. I know what he will do to me when he comes home. And now I'm sitting here; waiting for it to happen. Warning: Abuse, Rape/Non-Con, Suicide


**AN: **_First postet Oneshot ever. Please leave a review and tell me what you think =^-^=  
>I wrote this while listening to Lykke Li- Until we Bleed. I wanted to write something nice for a friend's birthday but then this happened and I don't even know why.<br>I blame the song, my strange mind and Tumblr for flooting my dash with RinxHaru.  
>And thanks a lot to a good Friend who helped me not to drown in my own tears while writing this. <em>

**Pairing: **Rin x Haru

**Rating: **Explicit/Mature

**Warning: **Explicit Drug use, Drug addiction, Abuse, Graphic depictions of Voilence ( Not too graphic but better safe than sorry), Rape/Non-Con, Charakter death, Suicide.

**Disclaimer:** I own a Computer, Radio and a Rin plushie. But I don't own the characters, the Song or a soul (sold to the devil due practical reasons)

_**Enjoy =^-^=**_

* * *

><p><strong><em><em><strong>I'm naked.<strong>__**  
><strong><em><em><strong>I'm numb.<strong>__**  
><strong><em><em><strong>I'm stupid.<strong>__**  
><strong><em><em><strong>I'm staying.<strong>__**

I dont even know why I'm here anymore. I know what he will do to me when he comes home. And now I'm sitting here; waiting for it to happen. He is gone. Out in a club to meet with a costumer. __I need the money__, he said. But I know this isn't the only reason. He need what they do to him, need the pain and the hate.  
>But I can't leave him alone. Not again.<p>

__**And if Cupid's got a gun, then he's shootin'**__

The last time I've leaved him he began to do drugs. The drugs who who have now take control over his whole life.  
>No. I can't leave him. <em><em>Never<em>_.  
>It's my own fault he do this things to me, and so is his suffering.<br>__You are the first person who ever loved me__, he said. And yes, I do. Even after all the abuse, the lies and the hate.

I think maybe if he would go to a therapy things could go back to how they were before I leaved. He hates this idea.  
><em><em>I love the drugs<em>_, he said. __They were at my side when you left me behind. They would never leave me like you did. __  
>It hurts me, hear him say those words. More than any hit ever could.<br>"Haru." He is back.

**__**Lights Black.**__**  
><strong><em><em><strong>Heads Bang.<strong>__**  
><strong><em><em><strong>You're my drug,<strong>__**  
><strong><em><em><strong>We live it.<strong>__**

I can sense the mood he is in, and it's not a good one. I don't dare to say anything. "Oi ! Haru ! Look at me !" I looked up an- ****Bam.!**** The first blow hit me right in the Face. I tried to stand up but this instand he shoved me against the wall and hit me in the stomach. "R-Rin P-p-please...!" He pinned my hands above my head. I'm to scared to look at his face.  
>"Oi ! I said <em><em>look at ME!<em>_" Another blow in my face. "I k-know it's all my f-fault but please Rin, p-please stop..!" I looked him pleading in the eyes and saw... nothing. Nothing but disgust. No pity, no hate, no love. Just disgust. To my surprise he let go of my Hands. "Strip!" - "What.." No Rin, please don't.. " Strip! NOW!" The last word came as a growl. This wasn't an request, this was an order. And God help me if I refuse.

**__**You're drunk,**__**  
><strong><em><em><strong>you need it.<strong>__**  
><strong><em><em><strong>Real Love,<strong>__**  
><strong><em><em><strong>I'll give it.<strong>__**

I do as I was told and strip to my underwear. Scared of whats about to happen.  
>"Everything! I'm going to show you exactly what this guy's do to me ! Be thankful that I'm alone !" -"R-Rin ...why...?"<br>"Why ? Because I will make you as worthless as I am! You will suffer like I did ! I want to see you hurt ! I want to see you broken ! I want to see you beggin' on my feet for your death !"  
>I looked at him with pleading eyes. "B-but Rin...you l-love me... right ?"<br>"Love ? you think I love you ? Really ? __Hahaha__" He said as he burst out in laughter. I was shocked.. After everything he has done to me I wanted to belive that he loved me. But now.. I feel tears stream down my cheeks. His laughter only increase in volume as he sees my tears. "Hahaha darling, you really thought this ? Sorry but if you want me to tell you lies you have to pay !" His laughter died down and his Red eyes glared sharp at me. He than grabbed my jaw and pushed me rough onto the wall. "Now let me do what I want and stop with this pathetic attitude of yours!"

__**So we're bound to linger on, we drink the fatal drop...**__

While pushing me onto the wall he opened his pants to free his already hard length.  
>I can't believe this. Not only the fact that he's going to rape me but also that he liked it.<br>Why does he want to do this.. I don't understand.  
>I feel a sharp pain as His pointy teeth violate the tender flesh on my neck hard enough to draw blood. While squeezing my eyes shut I cry out in pain. "What ? did you think I would go easy on you ? pathetic!"<p>

I feel his tongue as he licks the blood from my neck and chest. A devilish grin appeared on his lips and his grip became more violent the longer he held me there. This is what he wants from me ? This is what the man do to him ?  
>Suddenly my Butt felt like torn into pieces. I can't remember the last time I felt such pain.<br>I cried out in agony and begged him to stop. But he didn't.  
>His grin grew wider and wider and the trusts became faster and harder. Tears spilled down my cheeks. I couldn't take it anymore. Blood flood out my rear and ran down my legs as I felt his bites over and over on my neck and collarbone.<p>

I couldn't take it anymore. My legs gone numb and I felt like I would pass out if the pain didn't stop this instand. But it wouldn't stop and I didn't pass out. I wished for it, wished so much; but I had to endure it.  
>"Oi Haru ! why don't you scream my name Ha? don't you like what I do to you Haru-<em><em>chan<em>_? I will make you like it..." With this words he grabbed my limp member and began to draw his sharp nails into the base. "...or should I say I will make you hate it even more." He laughed.  
>"P-please Rin, please S-s-stop ! I can't .. I c-can't endure m-much more !" I screamed my lungs out at him but his laughter only grew louder.<p>

I dont know how long he already did this to me but it felt like hours. I can't wrap my mind about all this. He has done so many terrible things to me but never something like that.  
>What happened this evening ?<br>What made him do all this to me?  
>Why has he said things like that to me ?<br>I wanted it to stop, but more than this I wanted to know the reason.

The only thing I know is that I want to end this. But how ?  
>was it even my place to end it ?<br>I tried so hard to help him but now.. When I look at him I can't see the person I loved so much. I see a Monster.  
>Was It me who created this ? Or was it the drugs and all the men he sold himself to ?<br>but if I hadn't left him alone he never had started to do all this. With every single thought about this I end up blame myself for his misery.  
>After what i did to him he has the right to do all this with me..right ?<br>A loud growl reached my ear and with this he let go of my legs and i fall to the floor. I could not move nor speak. I just laid on the floor and feel his seed mixed with my blood run down my tights. I feel like a corpse.

__**... then love until we bleed, then fall apart in parts.**__

****Rin PoV****

I fixed my pants and go to the bedroom. I glance a last time at Haru who lies passed out on the floor. Hmph. I don't know what to feel. Shouldn't I feel sorry for him ? No, I shouldn't. It's his own damn fault !  
>He is the one who left me !<br>He is the reason I felt so depressed I had to take these drugs.  
>He is the one who stays at my side.<br>Yes, thats it. He could have left me alone but he won't. He wanted to help me and stay. He is the one who said he loved me. Love ? does this even exist ? I don't think so. But if he want to stay I can do whatever I want to him.  
>Why do I even thing about it ?<br>I search through the drawer for the only thing I'm able to look forward to, the only thing to light my life and make it bright like a amusement park. The only thing I Love.  
><em><strong><em><strong>Fuck!<strong>_**___its empty... Again !__ I need it, I need it now ! I left the house in a hurry. Not a single thought left for Haru.

**__**You wasted your times On my heart, you've burned. And if bridges gotta fall, then you'll fall, too. **__**

****Haru PoV ****

I wake up; freezing. Still naked on the floor. He's gone. He hadn't even cared enough to put a blanket over me. I don't know how long I lied here.  
>Still unable to move much I try to grab my shirt. In vain. I feel the sticky mess from my blood and his cum all over my body but I'm far from careing. That's it. This is to much. Usually after the abuse he would come to me, apologising. Not this time. I can't stand it anymore.<br>When he's back I'll talk to him. Maybe he changes. Maybe he loves me after all...  
><strong><strong>NO!<strong>** I can't lie to myself anymore. I have to go or else.. or else he'll leave me to die one day.. but does it matter ?  
>Death.. I never thought about it much; but now it seems somewhat... peaceful ?<br>I can't even finish my thoughts when I hear the door open.  
>"You're awake." This was the only thing he said before he goes to the bedroom and closed the door shut.<p>

**__**Doors slam.**__**  
><strong><em><em><strong>Lights black.<strong>__**  
><strong><em><em><strong>You're gone.<strong>__**  
><strong><em><em><strong>Come back.<strong>__**

I waited for him to come back to me, to say anything, but he didn't. I thought back to what he'd said, what he'd done. Does he still need me ? Would his life be better without me ? Maybe it would. He didn't need me, did he ? No.  
>After I made up my mind; I stand up, the pain long forgotten. I stumbled my way down to the bathroom. After a short search through the shelfs I found it. A new package razor blades.<p>

After I found them I start to draw me a bath. I wanted to feel the water on my skin.  
>With the blades in my hand I entered the tub. The hot water caressed my sore body for the last time. He wanted me death, right ? He said it a hundred times. He doesn't need me anymore.<br>I write down my last words.  
>When I put the blade on my wrists I let our good memories flood my mind. Our first race; our first kiss; and the night he confessed his love to me.<br>I don't want to remember him like he is now. I want to remember the old Rin; the man I fell in love with was caring and gentle.  
>This is the man I do this for.<br>My blood flew down my wrists and paint the water red, red like the wonderful eyes of him.  
>With that last thought i close my eyes forever. <em><em>I Love you, Rin.<em>_

****Rin PoV****

As I opened the door I saw him, still lying on the floor. "You're awake." I said. I don't know why but I thought I had to say something. I go to the bedroom, there are now more important things than pity this pathetic boy. I lay down on the bed, ready to let this wonderful sweetness fill my veines once more.  
>I feel the essence slowly intervene with my blood and spread trough my whole body. One more my thoughts drift to Haru. is he still lying on the floor ?<br>Why do I care about him ?  
>Maybe I should go, apologise.<br>He'll forgive me, he ever does. But have I gone to far this time ?  
>After that meeting with this costumer; or should I better say those costumers; I never felt more worthless in my whole life. After this and all the alcohol and cocaine I couldn't stand him. His pure innocence. I had to corrupt him, to paint his heart black like mine. I had to show him the evil of the world more than any other time.<br>He just sat there; waiting for me. Why ? I bet he knew what was going to happen so way was he still waiting for me ?  
>It made me furios. I had no other choice, I had to do what I've done.<br>The more I think about it, the heavier my eyes felt. With the warm feeling that spread trough my body I fall asleep.

I don't know how long I've slept. as I waked up its cold, why is it so cold in here ? I look to the left, where Haru is supposed to sleep. Why wasn't he here ? The previous night shot back in my head like a bullet.

__I opened the door. "Haru!" He's looking to the ground. "Oi Haru! Look at me! " why won't he look at me ?__  
><em><em>Does he think he's better than me ? Finally he looked up, expression full of fear. I couldn't stand it. <em>_****Bam !**** I hit him right in the face. He tried to stand up but I wouldn't let him. He will run away from me, he will leave me like everyone in my life did.  
><em><em>I shoved him against the wall and placed another hit at him, this time in the stomach. "R-Rin P-p-please. ..!" I Heard him Wimper. No! I can't let him go! I pinned his hands over his head. His eyes glued to the ground. "Oi ! I said look at ME !" <em>_  
><em><em>Another hit in his face. " I k-know it's all my f-fault but please Rin.. p-please stop...!" <em>_  
><em><em>Damn right it's your fault ! <em>_  
><em><em>I have the right to do it.<em>_  
><em><em>I have the power to do it. <em>_  
><em><em>Is this what those man feel ? It feels so good ! <em>_  
><em><em>This pathetic little boy; I will show him. <em>_ __I will show him everything!  
>The pain, the hate and the feeling of being complete worthless.<em>_

__I let go of his hands. "Strip!" -"What ..?" I can hear his surprise. "Strip ! NOW! "__

__He do as I told him but stopped at his underwear. Why ? I saw him a hundred times without it so what does it matter now ? "Everything! I'm going to show you exactly what this guy's do to me ! Be thankful that I'm alone !"__  
><em><em>Yes, he should be thankful. <em>_  
><em><em>"R-Rin... why..?" - "Why ? Because I will make you as worthless as I am! You will suffer like I did ! I want to see you hurt ! I want to see you broken ! I want to see you beggin' on my feet for your death !..."... just like me. <em>_  
><em><em>This is what I want right ? <em>_  
><em><em>I'm too far gone; I can't go back now !<em>_  
><em><em>"B-but Rin...you l-love me... right ?" He said with pleading eyes. Love ? This doesn't exist. <em>_  
><em><em>"Love ? you think I love you ? Really ? Hahaha" I burst out in laughter; I don't even know why. I wanted to hurt him like all the other times; but this time it was far more.<em>_  
><em><em>I felt happy to let him feel like me, to let him suffer like I did. <em>_  
><em><em>He will be broken like me. <em>_  
><em><em>I can see his world shatter in his eyes and it only increased my laughter. "Hahaha darling, you really thought this ? Sorry but if you want me to tell you lies you have to pay !" pay like them. The man who wanted me to swear them my love; while I was bound to the wall, while they switched places in fucking me, while they beat me for every tear I shed. <em>_  
><em><em>my laughter vanished and i grabbed his jaw; pushing him once again hard onto the wall. "Now let me do what I want and stop with this pathetic attitude of yours!"<em>_

I dont want to remember the rest. What have I done ? How could I ever do this ? I can't blame the cocaine and alcohol anymore. There is no reason to do this to him; there is no reason to enjoy it !  
>And than I leaved him, leaved him as he needed me the most, leaved as I was supposed to comfort him, to apologise. Does he even want me to ? Does he even want to ever see me again ? He can't love me anymore; not after this.<br>The drugs were more important to me than him, __again__. I have to change something; if I can't do it then he has to leave me. Before... before I kill him one day. I don't want his death;I don't want him to suffer. I don't want to cause him any more pain. Why have I said this things to him ? does he know I didn't mean it ? Does he know he's still important to me ?  
>when did I became a Monster like this ?<p>

I have to get up, to find him.  
>Is he still lying on the floor ?<br>Is he still in this apartment ?  
>I walk into the livingroom, it's empty. Maybe he left me for the better ?<p>

**_**Stay gone, stay clean..**_**

I see the puddle of blood on the floor. How much had I injured him ? I have to search him, to apologise. But I can't face Haru like this. I need to go to the bathroom, to take a shower. I need to wash the pain from the last night away. To wash away the dirt from this man and I need to wash away my guilt.

As I opened the door I was shocked. No this can't be.. No!  
>I saw his lifeless body lying in the water; the water he loved so much. He looks so peaceful, like he's asleep; but the blood red water tells me otherwise. I reach out to put a few strands of his hair behind his ear but as I feel his skin I withdraw my hand immediately. He's cold, so cold. Tears ran down my cheeks; did I do this ? Did I do this to you Haru ? Why... "Why Haru; Why ?" I began to desperatly scream. Maybe he isn't dead ? Maybe he fell asleep in the tub like many times before ? Yes, thats it. He can't be dead. He won't leave me like this.<br>I have to warm him. He won't like it to wake up freezing. I began to draw more water into the tub. "Look Haru, it isn't cold anymore; you can wake up! Please Haru ! Please wake up !" He won't wake up, will he ? No..

I see the letter he wrote, his last words. He's saying that he didn't hate me.. How ? How can he not hate me after all this ?  
>He has done this for me; for me to move on. But I can't move on, not without him. There isn't a point in my life when he isn't in it.<br>I want to end this; this is all a bad dream and I need to wake up. To wake up with him besides me. Maybe we can wake up together in an afterlife ? Is there even an afterlife ? There isn't a god, I'm sure. Would there be then Haru won't be dead. Then I won't have done those things to him.  
>But for now I want to belive there is an afterlife; this will be my only chance to tell him the truth, to tell him how I really feel, to tell him I'm sorry.<p>

I want to hold him for the last time; to feel him on my skin. I strip down my clothes and join his lifeless body in the tepid, bloody water. Before I grab the blade form him, I creadle him in my arms and give him one last soft kiss on the Forehead. This is the last time we will physically have contact; but mentally we will be together, __Forever.  
><em>_I put the blade down my wrists and watch the blood flow down his chest, drippling in the already red water. His last words repead themself over and over in my head like a mantra...

__**"I needed you, to need me."**__

_**_**Now we're bound to linger on,**_**_  
><em><strong><em><strong>we drink the fatal drop,<strong>_**_  
><em><strong><em><strong>then love until we bleed,<strong>_**_  
><em><strong><em><strong>then fall apart in parts. <strong>_**_


End file.
